March 28, 2019 6 min read

 I remember the day I woke up to the realization I was supporting over 109 people in 3 countries . Including 19 families with over 30 some odd children , dogs, cats and lives, alone ...

I never expected that to happen, when I started down this path.

I remember feeling the weight of realizing if I wasn’t strong, all of those children would be without medical care or school funds or food. That they would starve or be forced to have their families ripped apart to go back to working in another island if they were not able to find work in the far removed village they came from .

I remember the feeling of fear, of course people who were not kind had said things such as, you can’t do this alone, you will fail, you will be nothing without us.

I own a company a fashion company, I can’t control sales, I can’t control if people click buy, and it has been the biggest lesson in trust and surrendering on a spiritual/heart level.

I decided in order to know my production chain was ethical from a human rights stance and from a doing good on this planet stance the only way to do it was to hire everyone in house. I did that with no funding, no safety net, no investment partner .

It was crazy but it is a choice I stand by, because for me making fashion wasn’t about just being cool or making money , it was about using art to make a difference . As a artist who experiences being exploited nothing hurts more then that energetically. So even if it means some weeks I pay all of them and don’t have a budget to do all the things people assume I do .

I am investing in a future vision , not just for me but for them . For us...

If you haven’t seen how most of the garment workers or just people who make our things are treated and live in a developing country it puts life into perspective really fast.

Being able to afford to eat is a luxury, being able to have a safe place over your head is a luxury, being able to see your loved ones and family is a luxury. One we often take for granted, on this side of the planet.

When people complain about not having money who make 100k-10mil a year , I usually want to say have you ever seen how so many people live ? do you have any idea how lucky you are.

But money doesn’t buy happiness or love, money won’t make you feel safe or secure, it is lost as quickly as it is gained. It is a frequency a current , it is a energy.

I am thankful for every week for the last year and six months since I took over being the lone mother wolf of my pack when I am able to provide for all of them ( thanks to help from some amazing people ) , when I can keep the business stable and as I can slowly repair any of the mistakes made or damages done during the period of separation and loss.

I remember a phone call , what do I do? I asked when facing a very big storm... go into your fear they said...

My fear told me to just give it up run and start over, but all of those families and customers and people I loved would lose a world I had built with them and for them. My love for the vision and them overrides my fear on a daily basis.

I was visiting someone who is a single mother and I realized how much being that mother causes her to be grounded. I realized the gift of being a mother to a small tribe in a way because for me it causes me to create my life differently.

Owning a company, and supporting so many lives creates a filter for my reality now and what matters and is important is very different then before.

The healthier I am , the more stable I am the more focused I am , the more creative I am the better the company does and I do and they do .

Choosing to focus on the things, relationships, people, and choices that help support that growth, inspiration, stability and encourage me to grow, evolve, heal and be a better version of me on a daily basis is how me and my company will thrive.

I realized there is many ways to lose time, substances, parties, empty connections, addictions, dead end relationships in any form , all of which affect what I can create, heal or turn into light.

Time is the only resource I really have and how I choose to use it is the only thing that will determine if I succeed or fail. If I choose to invest into healthy , inspiring, healing, productive relationships, friendships and work choices then I will thrive as well as my company.

Our world has been constructed to create a midfield of addictions, time sinks to fall into, primarily based on if we seek spiritual fulfillment through our lower vibrations.

I feel the single most common reason people fail or fall into depression is when we try to replace something we can only create through our spiritual connection with a substitute which feels good for the moment but drops you lower then you were to start with .

I have found that as much as I would love to find a path that didn’t require discipline and dedication to working with my shadows by bringing them to the light. Nurturing them through forms of spiritual and healing practices be it meditation, divination, Yoga, nature, deep soulful connections with friends and others .

It is hard to stay balanced in this modern landscape.

I have learned allot from my team mentors and close friends..

my operations manager does yoga daily sends me herb recommendations and stays stable for me. My production manager encourages me to get massages and take a day off. My tailors encourage me to create laugh and play.

My mentors and the friends I choose to keep close reflect back my light and encourage me to work on myself heal and evolve. That is how it is meant to be and that is how we can support each other. grow collectively and evolve.

The choices we make to heal and evolve and grow and expand our capacity to change the world by changing ourselves is the most important work we can do .

If we aren’t doing that it doesn’t matter how much love or light we talk about, or how many transformational festivals we go to, or how many ceremonies we do.

I think I learned more about spirituality from my friends who only wear black, have never been to a transformational festival and who taught me how to sit still for 10 days in silent and meditate.

I want to go do that right now so badly. Because I know there is no journey you can take more powerful then sitting alone with yourself in the dark with no distractions to heal, get clear, and refocus your life.

In the meantime , I am focusing on bringing as much of that harsh, non distracted, reality, into my practices. Cutting away anything that causes me to have a haze, lack of clarity, or isn’t something if I take a razor to it sustains.

Because I want to use my life time and energy to create something meaningful, and to change the world through changing myself.

My motivation I often find in the morning when I wake up and mediate on how to get from here to where I want to be . I see the future I want to create then reflect back to now to see the steps I need to take to create it.

Supporting so many lives at first was daunting but now it has become something which drives me to grow evolve heal and be a stronger , wiser, more grounded being . So if a storm comes I can be the buffer and if the world moves I can move with it.

I remember someone saying, you want to be enlightened meditate

sit in a dark room with no distractions until you get clear and do it everyday. It’s not easy to do there is always a distraction facebook being the new cocaine for the brain which we have yet to really understand the effects. I know this - I never find the answers I seek in my soul on here.

I have to turn the screen off, and lately I stare into the sky and just lay there and stare and listen, or walk under the stars and just listen, not to anything anyone else says, not to gurus or teachers but to my heart .

I feel so many of us have lost our own compass and getting it back means turning in, not out, turning everything off not on.

with that

back to my day

with that if you have not learned how to really meditate I highly recommend
it is donation only and therefore if you need to be free
it changed my life and without it I don’t think I would be half of who I am today -
I am looking forward to when I can go back for 10 days, its the best 10 days you can give yourself

I’m thankful for this little one and her mother for sharing inspiring this reflection 💜

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